


Dissolved (And Put Back Together)

by merlimarlo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Castiel, M/M, he's gone though, help this is my first fanfic, it doesn't really explain much since it's told from an outsiders persepective, this is after season 11, we don't really know what happened to dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 09:45:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10784334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlimarlo/pseuds/merlimarlo
Summary: Mo can see the small town changing right before her eyes. Everything seems brighter. The people are happier and even business is better.She thinks about it, but after some time she decides that it must be him.He radiates happiness, kindness and gentleness.She wonders how that can be when he himself seems to be so sad all the time.





	Dissolved (And Put Back Together)

It all starts when he moves into the small apartment above the bookshop and opens it's doors again.  
His face tells stories about a war he fought and about nights he spent laughing. His skin is tanned and the laugh lines cut deep into his face. There's a scar above his right eyebrow.  
She introduces herself the first day the bookshop opens again. 

"I'm Mo!" she tells him excitedly and he answers with his own name.  
It's as unique as he is himself and she lets it run through her mouth a few times.  
"Castiel", she says. "Hello Castiel."  
It's the first time she sees him smile.

He paints the bookshop yellow. When she asks him why he chose yellow he stills and is quiet for a long time.  
"It's a happy colour", he says after she had almost forgotten the question. She lets it go even though she's knows it can't be the truth. Not all of it, at least.

The bookshop is opposite of the diner she works at and so he comes over every morning. They fall into a routine and after only one week she has memorised his order perfectly, her slim fingers working the coffee machine with ease every morning.  
She tells him jokes and he laughs. Sometimes she speaks about her family, her friends and then he listens. After a month she concludes that he gives better advice than anyone.  
When she tells him, he turns quiet again. She doesn't ask, even though she's aching to do so.  
She finds that he's quiet a lot. He never speaks unless someone else motions him to, never asks questions.

The people like him. He's weird, he's strangely still and sometimes she can see him fading a bit but it doesn't seem to bother anyone.  
The bookshop is more alive than ever. It's beautiful, too. Castiel decorated it with flowers and other plants, with fairy lights and photographs, and it smells like old books and dark coffee, when you step into the small shop.

The first personal thing he tells her about himself is his love for animals. And it seems to be reciprocated. She has seen birds sitting on his shoulders, squirrels letting him pet them and every dog runs up to him when they see the tall, lean figure in the tan coat. It's sort of magical.   
The local kids come over to the bookstore most days after school and sit in the many armchairs that are scattered around, or on the carpet, candy in their hands. They seem entranced by him just like the animals. He tells them stories. About the stars and about old tribes, about the egyptians and whales. His hands gesture wildly and he smiles brightly, his blue eyes seemingly glowing. His voice is deep and it sends a shiver down her spine when he tells ghost stories and tales about ghouls and demons.   
Mo can see the small town changing right before her eyes. Everything seems brighter. The people are happier and even business is better. For everyone, somehow.  
She wonders about it, but after some time she decides that it must be him. He radiates happiness, kindness and gentleness. She wonders how that can be when he himself seems to be so sad all the time.

They have created an unusual kind of friendship. She’s still so young, only twenty one, but somehow she finds a good friend in the older man.  
Mo doesn't know much about him but she does know that his knowledge is endless.  
She doesn't think he realises how incredibly interesting he is, how wonderful everyone who meets him thinks he is.

The first time she sees him angry is when she tells him how good he is at everything he does.  
It's late evening, the bookshop is empty, the diner closed for the day and they're sitting in armchairs opposite each other when he raises his voice for the first time.  
"I'm not", he yells and she flinches a bit, surprised.  
"I can't do anything right", he continues, his voice getting louder and he's staring at her hysterically.  
"I mess everything up! I couldn't take care of Sam and I-", at that point he breaks off, his gaze sinking to the floor. His voice is quit when he speaks again.

"And I couldn't save him, I- I- I couldn't save him.“

She sits perched on the armchair, shellshocked by his sudden outburst.  
When he glances back up again there's so much pain in his eyes that she finds it hard to breath. He stares at her so deeply and so broken that Mo can feel her heart aching for him.  
"Who couldn't you save?", she whispers and he jumps, as if he didn't expect her to speak.  
There's this silence again, the one she knows all too well with him.  
"I apologise for yelling at you", he says eventually and gets up. He puts his empty cup of tea on the counter and Mo can see that his hands are shaking.  
She lets it go. She doesn't see another choice.

In the winter holidays the diner is closed for a week and the people are with their families, but she doesn't really have one anymore, just a brother somewhere in Pennsylvania and an aunt up in Canada.  
So she spends most of it with Castiel. They sit and read or they take walks out by the lake. Sometimes they drive around in his old beat up truck and buy greasy food and listen to the only tape he has in his car. He is very protective of it and Mo has never held it in her own hands but she knows that someone wrote something on it, in big bold letters. He treats it like it's the reason his heart beats.

They talk more now and sometimes he is even the first one to speak.  
He laughs more often too and she longs to know more of the life he led before he moved here, wants to know who he created those laugh lines with, who Sam is and why she caught him crying, in the diner, watching some show about old cars.

He receives a postcard one day, in May, and he stares at it all morning in the diner.  
Mo comes over with his coffee and smiles.  
"Who's that from?", she asks, barely concealing her excitement.  
He looks up at her and there's this deep sadness in his eyes again. But there's a soft smile on his face too, a real one.  
"It's from sam", he says and his smile grows brighter as he says it.  
She slips into the booth opposite of him and giggles. She is too excited about this, she thinks briefly, but she doesn't care.  
"What does it say?", she asks carefully. She expects him to fall into silence again, to change the topic or to just leave but he does none of that.  
"He's in California, with Eileen", he says.  
"How nice", she answers and he doesn't stop smiling for the whole day.

Two weeks later they're walking through town on a warm Sunday afternoon, ice cones in their hands.  
There's a comfortable silence when she finally gets the courage to ask.  
"Who's sam?"  
He stills for a bit but then continues walking. His face isn't closed of this time though, he just looks thoughtful.  
"He's my f-", Castiel starts and then shakes his head briefly.  
"He's my brother", he says firmly and licks his ice cream. She looks at him for a few more seconds, tentatively, before nodding and smiling softly.  
"He seems nice", she says then, even though she knows next to nothing about him. Castiel points it out and she laughs.  
"Well then tell me about him", she says, a smile on her face and he smiles back hesitantly.  
"Only if you want", she adds as an afterthought.  
Castiel looks to ground for a second before sitting down on the nearest park bench and motioning her to do the same.  
Mo turns her head towards him. She's expecting another great tale but what she receives is different.  
"Sam has really long hair", Castiel says and surprised laughter bubbles up her chest.  
He smiles brightly and continues talking. After he's done she knows a lot more about Sam, Castiel's brother (she's guessing that they're not actually related but she doesn't ask), who has a dog now, lives with his girlfriend in California and started law school again.  
He likes running, Castiel tells her, and wears only plaid. His voice is so full of affection that she can't help but smile all through it.

Later that day, when they're sitting in his car, eating curly fries and listening to led zeppelin for the thousandth time, she asks another careful question.  
"Do you have any other siblings?"  
He looks up from his food and when he speaks his voice is raw and it sounds like he's close to crying.  
"Yes", he says, "lots of them, actually. I haven't spoken to any of them in years though."  
It's quiet in the car for a few seconds, the song fading out.  
"I'm sorry", she whispers and he nods. They continue eating and robert plant's voice fills the car once again.

The months go by and they do the things they always do. Castiel raves about books and Mo smiles at him. Sometimes he says weird things that she doesn't get but that's okay. It's just who he is.

(Sometimes she wonders how he knows so much and more than once has she wondered if it's all even true but when she looks it up, she never finds any mistakes in what he says, so she stops)

Castiel is passionate about a lot of things, she finds, he's just often too tired to express all his emotions on these certain topics.  
He always seems tired, somehow. Not the kind of tired where you haven't slept in three days, no. More like the kind of tired that rests on your shoulders and never goes away, because you've seen too much or done too much and your brain has to think two, three, four times about everything. Even what flavour ice cream you want.

Castiel is also very afraid of making mistakes. Mo doesn't see it at first but after almost a year of knowing him, she realises why he flinches so hard when he spills his coffee, why he apologises profusely for ordering the wrong sauce, why he feels so incredibly guilty for forgetting a kid's name. He's terribly afraid of making even the slightest mistake.  
She wonders what happened to him that made him like that. Who made him feel so bad for the things he did?  
With that realisation the next follows soon and Mo finally understands why he smiles so brightly when someone tells him the bookstore looks nice, or something kind and simple like that. He thrives on these praises even though he admits to Mo that he doesn't really believe them. So she tries to tell him more and more what good things he did. His smile seems surer, but still too broken for it to be okay.

It's the middle of summer when Castiel comes to the diner and there's a young, blonde woman with him. They sit in his usual booth opposite each other and the woman rolls her eyes at most things he says but there's a tiny, tentative smile on her lips as she listens to him.  
Mo walks over and grins at the both of them. Castiel looks up and nods to the woman.  
"This is Claire", he says and Mo smiles at her. Her face is young and alive, her eyes a similar blue as Castiel's.  
"Hey", she says and Claire nods before ordering pancakes and coffee.  
Mo isn't eavesdropping, she swears she's not, but the diner is quieter that usual and it's hard not to overhear them talking.  
Castiel asks about a lot of different people. Jody ("she's fine but she worries too much"), Alex ("as always i guess"), Donna ("have you tried her donuts? you should") and then about Claire herself.  
She rolls her eyes at him and smiles "I'm fine, Doofus", she says.  
They stay longer than Castiel usually does and she hears a lot of banter from them, even though Castiel doesn't seem to get most of Claire's jokes. At one time he leans closer, quiet awkwardly, and whispers something to her. She cringes.  
"Oh my god, you're so embarrassing", she says hurriedly and shakes her head.  
It reminds Mo of a father-daughter-relationship.

Claire leaves the same day, around six pm, and they hug before she climbs into her car and drives off. Castiel stands on the sidewalk, a bit lost, and so she crosses the street after closing up the diner and stands next to him.  
"Your daughter?", she asks, carefully, not wanting to intrude.  
Castiel shakes his head.  
"Not really."  
He leaves it at that and so does Mo.

Summer fades slowly away, the last August sun dripping onto the sidewalk and then it's been over a year since Castiel first arrived. It feels longer than that.  
With that, mo suddenly comes aware of the fact that they didn't celebrate Castiel's birthday. They celebrated hers, in August, and he gave her a book while they drove around the woods, eating greasy pizza and listening to the tape.  
So she asks him when he was born and he just shakes his head.  
"I don't have birthday", he says and Mo almost wants to say something like 'but everyone does' before she stops herself.  
"How about tomorrow?", she says instead and he shakes his head again.  
"No", he simply says. "Not now."

September eighteenth is a Monday and she already has Castiel's coffee ready but by nine am he still hasn't showed up. The bookstore is closed too and after school ends she can see the kids standing disappointedly in front of it.  
Her shift ends at six and after she has closed up, Mo runs over to the store. She rushes through the alleyway next to it that brings her to the staircase leading up to Castiel's apartment. She has a box of pie in her arms and skips up the stairs.  
Mo makes it to the door and knocks a few times, waiting and catching her breath. The door doesn't open, so she raises her arm to knock again.  
After that Mo can her rustling inside and then the door opens slowly, revealing a tired looking Castiel. His eyes are red like he has been crying and his hands are shaking. She can smell alcohol and it surprises her. Never before has she seen him drink anything.  
"Yes?", he croaks, and Mo focuses back on him. She blinks a few times before answering.  
"Castiel", she starts, not sure of what to say,  
"I just wanted to make sure you're okay", she says eventually, her voice thin and careful.  
Castiel closes his eyes and nods.  
"I'm fine", he answers roughly.  
"Don't worry.“

He's so obviously lying and Mo just wants to wrap him in a hug and never let go but she holds out the pie instead.  
"For you", she says and Castiel stares at the package before slowly reaching out and opening it.  
He takes one long look at it before closing the lid again. His eyes are filling with tears again and he lets out a small sob.  
"Castiel?", she asks, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry if you don't like the pie, you don't have to eat it, I can make something else, I’m sorry."  
He just shakes his head and lets out another sob, the tears falling onto the shirt that's stretching over his shoulders. It's a faded AC/DC print tee and it doesn't look like the things he usually wears.  
"It's fine", he says again, through tears now and she shakes her head.  
"It's not", Mo says quietly and then she sets the pie down, in front of the door.  
"Can i come in?"  
More sobs shake Castiel's body. She has never seen him so....dissolved.  
He nods though and steps aside, walking into the dark apartment. She follows him and closes the door behind herself.  
They walk together into what seems to be the living room, illuminated by a soft orange light on a small table next to the door, and Mo can't believe she's never been here before. They always meet up in the store.  
There are several blankets and pillows on the couch and beer bottles on the table. The small tv is turned off and she thinks she can see a few photos scattered around, between the pillows and the beer.  
Castiel seems to realise that too and quickly picks them all up, presses them to his chest.  
There's still one on the floor and she kneels down and picks it up.  
It's a picture of a young woman with red hair, a young, short, asian man, Castiel, and two other men, one with long hair, both in plaid. They're all smiling brightly and she thinks how the one with the hair must be Sam.  
Castiel quickly snatches the photo away from her and Mo gets back up.  
"I'm sorry", she says.  
He just lets himself fall onto the couch, the photos still close to his heart.  
He closes his eyes and another tear trickles down his face.  
She sits down next to him and pushes a lock of hair out of his eyes.  
"How about we watch some tv, huh?", she asks.  
There's no answer.  
So Mo nods to herself and grabs the remote. She turns the tv on and is surprised to find Netflix. In Castiel's watchlist there's a show called 'Cosmos' and she puts on an episode he already watched, so he doesn't miss anything.  
She shuffles deeper into the pillows and then pushes her shoes off.  
They watch the show together, although Castiel listens rather that actually watches it.  
The episode is almost finished when he speaks up.  
"I'm sorry for being like this. Emotions still overwhelm me", he says and it makes her heart hurt.  
"Don't apologise", she says and finds his hand in the dimly lit room, squeezing it tightly.  
They don't let go.  
The second episode starts and Castiel breaks their silence again.  
"Today's the day I first met him", he whispers, almost inaudible over Neil deGrasse Tyson's voice, explaining evolution.  
"That was so long ago", he says then, "and i'm so scared of forgetting."  
She doesn't know what to say so she just squeezes his hand again.  
There's another sob from Castiel and his voice is low and full of tears.  
"I think I've forgotten what his laugh sounds like", he says and his breathing fastens for a second before slowing down again.  
She lets her head fall on his shoulder and after that they sit in silence again, until he falls asleep eventually.

They don't mention it again, the night Castiel fell apart, and everything goes back to normal, sort of. She sees the pictures he now carries with him, tucked into his coat pockets. Mo wishes he would show them to her, wishes she could be there for him but she won't pressure him.  
Good friends are patient, she tells herself. So she is.

Autumn is slowly fading and after Thanksgiving, Christmas seems to be everywhere again. Castiel has decorated too, this year and the bookshop is even cosier than usual.  
The days are getting shorter and greyer. There's even some snow.

On the tenth of December she opens the shop as usual, early in the morning and prepares Castiel's order.  
The bell chimes while she's taking a mug from the counter and she turns around with a smile.  
"You're early today-", Mo starts but cuts off when it's not Castiel standing in front of her.  
There's a middle aged man in the door, his hair is blonde and short, his shoulders broad and he's wearing a plaid shirt, a coat around his shoulders and thick boots on his feet.  
Mo feels like she's seen him before, but she can't place it.  
He looks around the diner a bit panicked and anxious, scratches his neck awkwardly.  
"Good morning", she says and he nods.  
There's no reply so she gestures to one of the booths.  
"Sit, please", she says, "What would you like to order?“  
Now the guy finally opens his mouth.  
"Actually", he says, and his voice is gruff, almost as deep as Castiel's, "I'm looking for someone."  
She nods and sets the mug on the counter again, stepping closer.  
"What do they look like?", she asks when he doesn't say anything else.  
"Well he's a tall guy, dark, messy hair and like...really blue eyes?", he coughs slitghly, and opens his mouth again but Mo cuts him off.  
"You mean Castiel?", she asks and he seems surprised and slightly taken aback but nods anyway so Mo continues.  
"He should be here any minute actually", she tells him and he looks even more anxious now, but there's excitement in his eyes too.  
"And who are you, if you don't-" she is cut off by the sound of Castiel's voice.

"Dean?"

There's so much hope, so much longing and affection in that voice that she swallows hard as she watches the man, Dean, turn around.  
He gasps out a small "Cas" and then they're closing the few steps between them, crashing into each other like waves and holding on.  
Castiel's face is tucked into dean's neck and his hands are gripping his coat, his eyes are closed and she can see tears disappearing into dean's neck. They stay like this for a long time, so Mo turns around and starts preparing Castiel's coffee.  
She can hear a soft, whispered conversation, lots of desperate 'I thought you's and hopeful 'I missed you's.  
Mo decides to make two cups of coffee.

They sit on the same side of the booth, huddled together, talking in hushed voice, tears of happiness rolling over cheeks and she doesn't dare intrude. Not now.

Only when, after hours, she hears laughter coming from their booth she turns away from the counter and looks at the two men. They’re still pressed close together, but their faces are open now and Castiel is full on laughing and she has never seen him like this before. So open, so full of love, so....happy.

She walks over to the table, two cups of coffee in her hands and pushes them onto the table. Castiel looks up, his smile still bright and full, his eyes twinkling, glowing again like when he tells his stories.  
He looks back down at Dean, his gaze soft and loving. There's so much love between them.  
Dean looks up too, smiles charmingly and then turns back to Castiel.  
"This is Mo", introduces Castiel and Dean nods at her. Their hands are intertwined beneath the table and she can see Dean's thumb stroking over Castiel's hand.  
"And this", Cas continues, "is Dean."  
Mo smiles brightly.  
"Nice to meet you, Dean", she says.  
"You too“, Dean answers and smiles again and suddenly she knows why he's so familiar. She's the guy next to sam, in the picture that she saw in Castiel's apartment.  
She tries to conceal the recognition and it works, seeing as the two men only have eyes for each other.  
Dean turns to mo again.  
"So uh", he says and she can see Castiel roll his fondly in the corner of her eyes, "is the pie here any good?"

Everything's different after that. Dean stays with Castiel.  
They live in the apartment above the bookshop and every morning they come over for coffee, before Cas heads back to shop and Dean drives up to the garage he works at.  
They still take trips, Mo and Castiel, but sometimes Dean joins them now.  
There's more tapes in the car too now but the first one is still Castiel's, or Cas's, favourite.  
She doesn't ask what happened, where Dean was and why they couldn't see each other. Her friend is happy. And that's enough.  
Mo meets Sam and Eileen and they tell stories about Amara and about a guy named Crowley. And if they're all a bit crazy then that's okay.  
She learns more about the people in the pictures. About Charlie and Kevin, about Mary, about Hannah and Gabriel.  
In Castiel she found a friend and if he happens to bring along his family she's going to try her best to be their friend too.

(His family is very big, she realises later, there's Claire, Alex, Jody, Donna, Sam, Eileen, a guy named Chuck who claims to be his father, lots of men and women who show up over the years, demanding to see their brother, an older, grumpy man who looks around awkwardly till Dean spots him and they all start bantering, and Dean himself, of course)

And when one afternoon dean tells her that his favourite colour is yellow, she smiles.  
"I know", she says.  
And everything is okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!  
> Thanks for reading my crappy story, if you actually made it through!  
> Comments and Kudos are highly appreciated, Thank you!
> 
> Have a lovely day,  
> Merle


End file.
